Clueless
by summonershion69
Summary: I want episode IV! Warning implied episode III spoilers inside....I was sad that the series is over and I can only imagine how shion feels...so I wrote this....


Poor Shion...why doesn't anyone like her...I love you Shion!

I wish so much I owned Xenosaga cuz there would most certinaly be an epi4 and 5 Xenosaga til the end of time! I don't though...not in the least...

The end of Xenosaga III really really mad me very very sad...I thought I had braced myself for it but I hadn't...this is how I kinda almost feel about it...I'm not sure...I'm way too much like Shion...Actually I am Shion...thats why I love her so much...

Disclaimer: I'm not insane, I dont own xenosaga, and I'm not ACTUALLY shion...theres one difference..she not real... i am...or at least I think so...

Random Person: Are you sure you're not a girl in the real world...?

Ahhhh you gotta love Tsukasa! hugs tsukasa plushie...im like him...her...to

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Back then, things were different. I'm not quite sure how, but they were. Now when I lay awake at night, I really have something to contemplate. Now I really have a reason to be depressed. I'd do anything to go back to how I felt then. Sure, a whole lot of crap happened but at least I wasn't alone. Not like, I am now at least. Even after he died, there were people for me to turn to. There was someone, anyone to hold me as I cried to catch my tears. But now my tears just fell to the pillow below me in my dark empty room. If time passed outside of my thoughts, I certainly wouldn't have known it. It hurt more than I could have ever imagined. Truth be told I had always felt cheated. After all everything I loved was snatched from me repeatedly. At least that is what I thought then. Now I realize just how damn stupid how clueless I truly was all those years. I was cold, withdrawn, selfish, cruel, self absorbed…the list goes on. If that's how I acted then, I could only imagine what I'd be now. Not like it mattered anymore though. There wasn't anyone left. Until now, I hadn't had the slightest clue how much they all meant to me. I just took everyone and everything for granted. God was I ever stupid. I had so much then. I deserved this. I deserved everything that happened to me. It was retribution for all those years I ignored the people who cared for me. I spent so much time thinking about how much my life sucked, locking my heart far away and pushing everyone away, but if I had just opened my eyes I would have seen how much I really had. They were my friends…..my family and now they were gone just like that. Everything was gone. Everything was over. No one could understand how I wished I could have just gone too. Died along side them. As horrible, as it sounds it would have saved me so much pain. I would have cried so many less tears. I always tried my hardest not to feel anything. I thought that if I put my all into my work that I could just forget my feeling. I buried everything so deep inside of me that it got to the point where I honestly didn't know what I was feeling anymore. I avoided anything and anyone who could possible hurt me again. I didn't think my work would ever hurt me. I was dead wrong though. I'm always wrong. It's because I'm stupid and clueless. The fruit of my labors was taken away and with it, everything I was. Now I am no one. I am as good as dead. No being dead would be better. I can't even bury my feelings anymore. There is nowhere left to hide. I am far too tired to run anymore. It is time to give in. But once again, I'm too clueless to except reality…to believe the truth. I'm afraid….damn there are those cruel feelings again. God do I hate myself. My life is so pointless. If he did it for me then must have been out of his mind. I brought so much pain and trouble to him. He should have let me die then. After everything I did, I deserved to die. No death would a reward. I was getting mine. I slammed my head against the wall. I felt nothing. It's not as if I ever felt anything. That was the story of my life after all. I looked around my room. It was very dark and the windows and doors were all locked shut just like me. I didn't want anyone to find me. Not that anyone would come looking for me. Everyone hated me now. Still I hated myself a trillion times more than they ever could. I brought suffering to those who cared for me. I am an abomination. There was only one thing I wanted now. It shouldn't be hard for me. I had hurt so many people, but there was only one person I really wanted to hurt. By now killing shouldn't be anything for me. I stood up reached for something on the table. I didn't even bother turning the lights on. I was a coward to the end. I touched the knife to my skin. I felt myself bleed and it was the greatest feeling ever. I pushed the blade deeper, but something stopped my hand. In fear, I dropped the knife and whirled around. There was no way anyone was here. I was alone in the dark. I reached for the knife again.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" someone said. It was someone I knew. The voice was so warm and loving. I couldn't answer them. I was even sure who it was. I couldn't see them. All I saw was darkness. All I felt was pain. The lights went on. I was blinded. It had been days since I last had them on. I watched my arm bleed. I didn't want to look into the eyes of my savior. I didn't have too. I knew who it was. After everything that had happened, I hadn't changed at all. I was still clueless.

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knocks on wood XENOSAGA 'TIL THE END OF TIME!

I'm not quite sure what that was...please flame me...its freaking five in the morning I'm not sure what I'm typing...so by all means flame away...this had to bea joke or something...


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